The new thing the Grand Mistress of Ignoring Direct Questions (aka Prez) is doing is driving by my place (which she has to, in order to leave Retard Lakes or whatever I’m calling it today — I like the idea of constantly changing the name, so let’s all roll with that) slooooowly. She’s verruh verruh interested in my “doings.” Yet “IRL” as they say, in person … she’s one of those people who totally ignores your words, especially if they are in the form of a question, like His Holiness Alex Trebek taught us.
Or maybe it was in school, somewhere, I learned to ask questions and be specific and clear. I do that with the Grand Mistress of Ignoring Direct Questions and it simply won’t WORK on her. She blanks her face (not a major effort for her) and I can see the little clueless sparkles dancing gaily about her head. “Not sure what to do! Whee! Cannot answer! Wheee! No talk!”
Then a second later, she is “back,” or as back as she gets. So here’s a typical conversation.
Me: Grand Mistress, would it be possible to know why my plans for a garden have to be approved by Thorazine’s Important Committee AND the Board? Wouldn’t one approval suffice?
Grand Mistress: [blank face, slow blinking]
Me: Also, is there any way they can take care of the common area trees that are leaning and about to fall on my dwelling? They are very tall, as you can see. (I point at them.)
Grand Mistress: Those are trees.
Me: Yeeeah. I know. Will the HOA take care of them? Soon? They appear to be in bad shape. See how they are leaning, and there are dead limbs and a mess in general?
Grand Mistress: This is a forest.
Me: Well, not exactly. Retard Lakes is huge. There are roads and shit-tons of houses and a pool and tons of streets and sidewalks and as you know, two huge spotlights blasting my house all night. I wouldn’t say it was really a “forest.”
Grand Mistress: The trees are fine.
Me: No, they’re not.
Grand Mistress: [walking away from me quickly] Those are trees.
She is a dolt, but I suspect she’s also being told to ignore me as the rest are doing. So guess what? I’m being a goofbag.
I have this great idea. I think logistically if I park diagonally in my space and put something TALL on top of my car at night, it will block part of the OTHER spotlight. It’s just as invasive as the “first” one, only it’s a tiny bit further away and I can park so its light hits the side of my car. Using my car as a shield, as it were.
These things. Hard shell coffins. But in looking through the different types and considering my budget and the fact that the thing will only be set out on my car’s roof to block light at night, I need the tallest bulkiest one I can find, and cheap.
They have some that look like they night do the job. “Cargo Management.” I need the biggest bulkiest one. And cheap. And then I thought, I could stack two up there. Then I thought, I could make one myself!
Like Martha Stewart, only not.
1 big ass empty cardboard box
1 can cheap black spray paint
That’s it. I spray the cardboard box half-assedly. Don’t need to cover it or make it street legal or anything pretty, as Mr. Wolf might instruct Jules and Vincent. It’s FOR HOME DRIVEWAY USE only.
Once I spent ALL THAT TIME AND MONEY, I’d go out at dusk at “attach” it (horrors! what if it’s stolen? I have to call State Farm and insure it) to the racks on the top of the SUV. The tallest box I can find. I have some great ones.
Throw a little black spray paint on it.
Oh! Maybe use my label maker to make a “brand-name” and stick that (white label) on the side of the black luggage container(s): “Solar Flare.” Or just some cheap white cut out letters from the hobby store.
I dunno. Just throwing some ideas around. Imagine stacking two cardboard boxes. Whoa. That would block Second Light for sure. Lookin’ sharp, Retard Lakes. Lookin’ sharp.